I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
