Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
