Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
