And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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