Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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