There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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