Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
