He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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