You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
