I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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