He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
