I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize