Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
