Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
