I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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