I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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