there's paper in my vomit.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
