well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
