i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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