Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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