I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
