It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
