i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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