Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
