the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
