Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
