I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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