I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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