Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm too high and old for this...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
