It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
