My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I checked into jail on foursquare
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
