Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
