Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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