you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
