I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I forget how to act sober
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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