Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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