allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
