we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
