dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize