if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
