WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
