my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
