I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
