I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if only i could text you this smell
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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