If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
