your room smells of hookers.
And success
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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