He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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