i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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