I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
