Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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