Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
