Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
