I accidentally had phone sex last night
My first STD was from a foam party
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
