Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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