It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize