All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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