sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i think my cat just said my name.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
